tearmeanewone | rendez-vous + APPOINTMENT POST

No, I shouldn't! [Elizabeth's hand on Gai's elbow turns into a grip, trying to force him to look at her and see what she's trying to say.]

If I was afraid, I would be a hypocrite. And that is one thing... I do not want to be. I can live with myself if I'm anything else. But I stood behind someone who killed dozens, maybe hundreds, of people so I could escape and never look over my shoulder again.

How ungrateful would I be if I said I was afraid of him for doing that for me? How backwards would it be if I said I understood what he did, but couldn't understand whatever you did? For something bigger than just me?

[That actually brings Gai up short. When she squeezes his elbow, he turns to look at her, and in a rare moment of vulnerability and emotion the surprise is visible on his face at her response. Even though he's learned to expect the unexpected out of her, that was most definitely NOT how he'd thought she would react.]

So you'd rather risk being dead than being a hypocrite?

[An exaggeration, perhaps, but he's not sure how else to make his point. She SHOULDN'T be interested in him, and he was a fool to ever think that she could or should be.]

Yes!

[This is going downhill. This is going downhill fast. But Elizabeth has never been able to stop herself once she's started reacting in an emotional way. Her reactions were always knee-jerk, she usually did the first thing that popped into her head--]

I'd rather be dead than... Do you know what I made him promise to do? I said, if it looks like I'm going to be taken back to my tower, and be trapped again, and forced to be Comstock's flame that lights the world on fire--

[She takes Gai's hand in both of hers, and holds it around her neck. It had been the first thing she'd thought of then, it's the first thing she's thought of now.]

...that's what I told him to do. Exactly like this. I would rather be dead than be many things.

[That... that is a feeling Gai can understand. It was why he chose to die the way he did, because it was a CHOICE rather than something forced upon him, the one last bit of control he had over his own life before the virus robbed even that from him.

He understands now. At their hearts, the two of them really aren't so different after all.

The hand she moved to her neck lingers there for a moment before sliding upwards to cup her chin, and then before he's even thinking about it, he's leaning in to kiss her again, only this time it's not quite as chaste as their first kiss on the beach had been...]

[It seems, to her, like a strange moment to be kissed. She'd just put his hand around her neck, confessed that if it came down to it, she wanted to die instead of be Comstock's heir. It was morbid, it was an unbalanced thing to do. Kissing shouldn't have followed, logically.]

[Her emotions were running high though, and she felt scared and sensitive and sad. She felt like she had torn something open that hadn't finished healing yet. And Gai's kiss was... a comfort. A silent way of saying he understood, however distorted her wish was he understood. Had he gone through life with people being afraid of him too? Was Gai just more insistent that he should be feared, while Elizabeth allowed herself to hope that there were people who weren't afraid? Was she the only one who refused to let her own fear push them apart?]

[Maybe she was. Gai was kissing her so fiercely, he was trying to tell her something. Elizabeth felt relief, and some strange sense of urgency, that made her match Gai's movements measure-for-measure.]

Wait-- [Elizabeth put her fingers to Gai's lips when she broke away to breathe. The word was breathy, almost desperate.] Gai, you have to tell me why I'm risking being killed by being around you. I've shown you tears, so you would know what you were up against. You have to tell me, what I'm up against.

[If Elizabeth's emotions are running high, Gai's are off the charts, and it terrifies him. The fact that he's feeling what he's pretty sure he is, much less this intensely, is brand new and terrifying and it makes him feel exposed and vulnerable, two things he's always hated. He's spent so many years perfecting the art of being able to switch off his emotions when needed that the fact that he can't do so right now is making him feel... cornered, almost.

He's not sure whether he's scared of himself, scared of her, or scared of this, whatever this is. Respect, fear, hatred, admiration... those are all responses he understands. Those are the things people usually feel towards him, and he's learned to expect those. But this is something completely new, something he's never experienced before, and thus his logical mind is working overtime trying to figure out just how to process what he's feeling right now.

The break in the kiss is both a relief and a fresh source of uncertainty. Oh god, he'd kissed her, hadn't he? But she hadn't pushed him away, had kissed BACK, so at least he hadn't done something horribly wrong... yet. He allows himself a moment to collect his thoughts before he responds to her.]

I've been fighting on battlefields since I was seven years old. I grew up as a soldier-- I'd killed more people than I could even count by the time I was ten. I can kill a grown man with my bare hands, I know how to use dozens of different firearms, and I can sneak up behind you and knife you in the back before you even know I'm there.

[Now he pulls away just enough to look down at her.]

Someone I know back in my world had the ability to reach into a person and draw out their heart as a physical object. That object represents that person's personality, for better or for worse, and there was no way to fake it or influence it to be what you want.

[He pauses.]

Mine was a rifle.

[She listens, intently, wanting to understand what could make him demand that she be afraid. All she hears though is a tragic story. Nothing for her to be afraid of, just something that makes her ache. Of course that object was a rifle... he didn't know anything else.]

'Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.'

[Elizabeth looks up at Gai, looks at his chest as though she might see a gun there. Then she steps forward and lays her ear against his heart, and listens.]

Are you going to knife me in back, Gai?

[Though he's trying his best to keep his face neutral, his heartbeat will give him away with how hard it's beating right now. But he doesn't pull away, even though he could, even though every instinct is screaming at him to do so.]

No. I would never do that to you.

[But there's still a part of him that fears that he might. If she were ever to awaken him when he wasn't expecting it, what would he do? How would he react? With instinct, or with logic?]

That's the only thing you said that I was afraid of. [She pulls back so she can look at him.] Everything else... no one should fault you for. Or I've already seen it.

[She looks back down at his chest, almost reaches out again to feel it but decides at the last minute not to.] And your heart doesn't sound like a rifle. And I've heard one, believe me. Your heart sounds like mine.

[Elizabeth tries a smile, and though it comes out weak the sentiment is there.] I used to think everyone was simple to understand. That everyone had one driving force, and they were either good or evil. And I nearly fell into that trap before I realized that people are so... complex. A whole library sits inside of everyone, and if I was asked to pick one book that was supposed to encompass all of me... I couldn't do it. No one is ever that simple or singular. No offense meant towards your friend.

[Elizabeth's little smile is enough to get Gai to try for one of his own, though he still feels uncertain about this whole situation. He's not used to feeling uncertain about anything, and it's still an odd sensation to stomach.]

A person's heart can change its shape as the person themselves changes. It's possible that what he pulled out one day would be something completely different in a few months if they changed that much during that time. The bond between him and that person, how the person themselves feels... all of those things can affect it. But mine never changed, not since I first realized that I was able to see what it was.

Edited 2013-07-11 09:14 (UTC)

[Elizabeth reaches out to take Gai's hand. She doesn't know how this... object-heart thing works, really, but it's bothering Gai. She wants to be supportive as best she can.]

And you wanted it to be something different?

I don't know what I wanted.

[It had been exactly what was needed at the time, but...

"Gai. Why do you think my Void is a sword?"

"A sword that cuts whatever it touches is something that's incompatible with humans. It's probably so that you wouldn't forget what you are."

He'd said those words so coldly, yet he himself had a Void that was every bit as dangerous as hers. He knew what it said about him, and though he'd accepted it, it still troubled him to think about too deeply.]

[Fair enough. Not many people knew exactly what they wanted to be remembered as or associated with. Elizabeth didn't even know. She's quiet for a moment, thinking about what to say. And how to say it.]

Can you choose here? [Elizabeth looks back up from their hands.] Some people can choose what they want for themselves here, because they don't have the responsibilities they had in their world. But I suppose some can't escape what they've always been or what they think they are.

But I don't see a rifle when I look at you. [She tilts her head, trying to smile again.] I see someone I trust to kiss me, and walk me home.

I can't escape what I am.

[The crystals growing on his body are proof of that much. The Malnosso may have brought him here after death, but they didn't change what he was. Honestly, he doesn't have much faith in them doing so - getting rid of the virus - even if he dies here.]

I'm not sure I can change it, either. I only know how to live one way. Even if I could choose... I wouldn't know how.

[And there it is, the ugly truth. He's no leader or soldier here, yet his routine still consists of constant training because that's all he knows. He doesn't know what to do with himself otherwise.]

[Elizabeth can understand that. When she left her tower, she was excited to live another life and experience new things. But now that she's in Luceti, she doesn't know how to live differently from how she used to pass the days. Reading, she read a lot still. But she was slowly meeting people and talking to them, learning new things from others. It was slow, but it was happening, and she loved it.]

Is that so terrible? Having to learn how to do something? [She squeezes Gai's hand.] I don't know anything about dating. Absolutely nothing that's practical or realistic. All of that was probably kept from me for a reason. But even if I don't know how... I still want to try.

[Elizabeth wants to ask if Gai wants to try as well, but she's a little afraid that Gai will let go of her hand and say no. That it was impossible for him. But she can't force him. She can just look up at him and try to convey what she's feeling.]

[When Elizabeth squeezes his hand, Gai squeezes it right back. It's rare for him to feel this inarticulate, to not know what to say or how to respond, but right now he's finding himself at something of a loss for words. Certainly he doesn't know anything about actual dating either. Flirting, yes. Being charming, yes. Even seducing-- he can do all of that with ease. It's the actual emotional aspect of a relationship that baffles him because emotions in general are still a mystery to him.

It's less that he thinks it would be terrible and more that he's afraid that he couldn't be what she wants... what she DESERVES.]

Are you sure?

[It's one last chance for her to back out if she wants.]

[What's there to doubt, exactly? He wasn't going to hurt her. And Elizabeth followed Booker as he shot his way through Columbia, stood by him after he pounded Comstock's head into a font and drowned him. The fact that Gai is guilty of similar things isn't a reason for her to hesitate. And if his concern is that he didn't know how to be just like everyone else, Elizabeth is exactly the same. She can't turn her back on him for something they share.]

[She nods and steps close to Gai again, very close, and looks up expectantly.] I'm sure.

[The laugh that escapes him now is breathless, half a laugh and half simply a sigh of relief. He still thinks she's being foolish, and probably will for a long time to come, but if she's making this choice of her own volition, then he owes it to her to at least give it a try.

She wants him. She actually wants him. Not the leader of Funeral Parlor, but just Gai, Gai and all of the burdens he carries, all of the terrible things he's done. No one has ever wanted that before. It's strange and new and frightening, but right now he can't think of anyone else he'd rather be sharing it with.]

Don't say I didn't warn you.

[And then he leans down again, though the kiss this time is far softer and less urgent-- a proper kiss.]

Well I tried to warn you-- [Elizabeth stops talking so she can kiss. Because as limited as she is in her dating experience, she at least knows you can't kiss and talk at the same time. Her hand drifts almost uncertainly over Gai's cheek, her fingertips finally resting on it as a sort of compromise between full contact and none at all. She's getting better, getting a little bolder...]

[But she still breaks it when she feels they've had the moment and falls back an inch or two.] --but you didn't listen. So I don't think you're in a position to expect me to listen.

[This time his laugh is closer to its usual tone, albeit still slightly breathless thanks to the kiss-- not that he's complaining about that at all. When they break apart, he just leans his forehead against hers, not wanting to pull away too far.]

Unfortunately, that's something I've never been very good at. I'm used to giving the orders, not taking them.

Well I hope you aren't expecting me to take your orders. [She grins and pushes back against Gai's forehead, almost like a playful headbutt.] It takes nothing short of a firefight for that to happen, and even then I'm used to calling some of the shots.

That all depends on the situation.

[And, because he's terrible and wants to get her back for knocking him off-kilter emotionally like that, he tilts his head to the side just enough so that he can breathe against her ear:]

Sometimes taking orders can be a great deal of fun.

Gai! [Elizabeth laughs and pushes him back. Her hand immediately goes to her ear because... wow, that was new and left her a little tingly. She couldn't decide if it was a good thing or not, either.]

I suspect that is a reference to something I haven't read about yet. I still have all of my notes, should I start reading them again? Right in front of the bar?

[He takes a step back, grinning. Yeah, he kind of deserved that, and he doesn't really care.]

No, it would be far more entertaining if you started reading them in the bar, preferably after a drink or two. I'd be interested in hearing what else you thought was worthy of taking notes on.

I hate to ruin your fun, but I only took notes on the things I found absolutely and laughably awful. [She smirks and turns to keep on walking.]

You'll have to test a few theories before you discover what had me avidly turning pages. [Yeah, she can play Gai's game. ...a little bit?]

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